Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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