Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
