Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
