I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
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I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
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Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
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