Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
