Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
