How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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