the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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