11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
