I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
is wine microwaveable?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
