dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Randomize
