i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Randomize
