you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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