last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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