Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
