When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
