Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
