I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
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Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
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Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
You were trust falling into bushes
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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