someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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