you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Operation Purity has been aborted
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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