I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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