My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
