yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
