i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
