I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
