I think my fart just growled at me.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
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See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
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You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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