I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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