my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
whose ass print is on the piano?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
