i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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