Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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