drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
She even gives head with a lisp.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
