I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
