made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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