careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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