why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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