i'm signing you up for texting rehab
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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