the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
