After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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