I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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