the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
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