I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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