How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
