I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize