you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
