your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
