I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
