You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
