Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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