His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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