I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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