i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
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I forgot how hot balto sounded
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
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She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
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