The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
