You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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