I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
is it fun? or sober?
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
