She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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