census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
