Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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